The System Has it's Rules About the Second Chance

"Sitting on the Curb," Pepper

Sigh.

I got home from work today to find Hollywood Video is, according to their daunting laced-with-red-words-and-capital-letters FINAL NOTICE, threatening to send me to a collection agency unless I come up with the FIFTY-FOUR DOLLARS I owe them for renting the Robert Redford version of The Great Gatsby to show my class. Granted, I checked the movie out in February, but STILL.

Because I am perhaps the largest procrastinator known to mankind, I waited until 5 PM the night before I planned to show the movie to reserve the video. Since it would have been too convenient for my neighborhood Blockbuster to have a copy in stock, I was pleasantly informed by an in-store salesman they were "fresh out!" followed by this awkward yet relentless sales pitch:

Blockbuster Employee Apparently Working on Commission: But let me show you the Paul Rudd version! The kids will like it even more! There might even be a sex scene!
Me: No, that's okay, I haven't screened that one. I need the Mia Farrow one.
BEAWOC: No really! You'll love it! The chick that plays Daisy is hot!
Me: I appreciate it; really, I do. But I need the older version. I--
BEAWOC: Look! It's right here! See, I told you Paul Rudd was in it!
Me: Do you know where the nearest Hollywood Video is?

I traipsed over to Vista, spent 30 minutes creating a Hollywood Video account while desperately dodging every promotional scam the shady "manager" could throw at me, and eventually left with the movie I'd been looking for, a brand new, laminated, and completely unnecessary membership to another video store, and a little less pride. Unfortunately, the video never made it back to its original location.

I assumed (incorrectly, obviously) that Hollywood Video's late policy would parallel its competitor's: At Blockbuster, after a certain number of weeks go by, they simply deduct the cost of the movie out of your account and you are now the proud new owner of Stand By Me or Die Hard 3. This, I have since learned, is not the case. In fact, Hollywood Video equates your inability to return a video with much heavier infractions; i.e. pirating music on-line or robbing a bank. Subsequently, this explains why I now owe their institution the same amount of money I'd spend on FOUR COPIES of the same movie. AND a pack of Twizzlers.

I briefly considered calling the corporate offices, demanding to speak to a manager and requesting my account be cleared of this blasphemous accusation. But, in large part due to the fact they're right, I didn't. Instead, I wrote them a check, and then promptly threw out my membership card. I have a feeling they won't be letting me rent another movie anytime soon...