"Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in."
-American Beauty
Two weeks ago Tim and I were married. It was a beautiful whirlwind weekend full of family, friends, love, dancing, tears, seashells, memories, stories, and chaotic perfection. Friends have been asking me to post about it, and I have to admit; I've tried. And, honestly, it just seems as if I can't. I stumble over and lose my words when I try to describe details of the rehearsal breakfast. I fumble with adjectives as I explain what an incredible feeling it is to watch Tim's college friends introduce themselves to my cousins. Yes, we went wine tasting on Friday. Yes, other people (Tim and his groomsmen included) golfed. Yes, my mom and step-dad hosted a party that night...Yes, I can post pictures taken Friday at the vineyards, at the golf course, and at Cedar Street:
But it's much harder to describe the beauty of watching my mom reconnect with my aunt, uncle, and cousins after ten years. The feel of the sun on my back, glass of good pinot in hand, surveying the scene of my present and past: friends from different arenas of my life blending into each other, soaking up the sweeping vistas and one another's laughter. My dad discussing music with my college friends; my step-dad confidently introducing himself to my dad's family; my fiance laughing so hard with his college buddies a mist of tears springs to his eyes...these are fleeting moments I've tucked away into the confines of my heart; glimpses into one of those days I could re-live forever...
And then there was the wedding rehearsal Saturday, and then a Bloody Mary-and-eggs benedict-filled brunch, and then a beach day complete with a PA system and a How's it Hangin' tournament, and a night out at Union Ale. And once again, my words fail me:
Because it's not every day your best friends come together, from multiple corners of the country, to practice walking down the aisle in celebration of you. It's not every day your mom, dad, and step-dad mingle at brunch and talk about their swelling pride and the welfare of the dogs. It's not every day the friends from each and every part of your life (times TWO!) come together on the sand in your honor.
And then your wedding day arrives. And you're ecstatic. And giddily nervous. And terrified. And the bravest you've ever been. And you wonder what he's doing. You get ready with your best friends. And your mom looks so beautiful--and proud--and you realize, with every piece of everything you are, that she's the biggest part of you, and the model for who you one day hope to be. And you cry-- such emotional, happy tears.
And you wonder, again, what he's doing.
And then it's time to go.
So you get in the limo.
And you take pictures.
And you fret over whether or not you should have champagne.
And you compliment your bridesmaids, and you mean it, because they are all stunning and brilliant.
And you wonder where he is and what he's doing.
And then you get there.
And you see all the people.
And your heart stops, and that courage you were so sure of only moments ago leaves you for a few cursory seconds.
And then...your dad is there. And your composure comes sidling back slowly. And you vaguely hear the familiar music you picked out months ago. Your dad is crying, and he's holding out his arm. And you hug him, and you don't even try to hold back the tears. Because it's not worth it. And anyway, if you do, it's not real.
And then you see him. He's waiting for you. And you can't hear the music anymore. You can't see the people. He's the only person in the whole world and-- it's just like they said!-- you've never been so sure of anything before. Everything in the universe other than this single moment fades to mere triviality. You hug your dad tightly and refuse to hide your tears. Your mom said it best: People, relationships, places, and feelings change, and that's what makes them so magnificent. Change is a constant, and the fact individuals and experiences grow and change is what makes life so poignant and beautiful. Experiences are fleeting, and we have to remember to cherish each one...
You hear his heart above any other sound, and you look into his eyes because it's the safest place you've ever been. His vows melt like butter into your hands, and suddenly its hard to breathe because there just aren't any words fitting enough to express what you need them to. Your lives have become so entwined its hard to know where his stories stop and yours start...and sometimes you're not sure you want the ability to differentiate.
And then...you're married...and it's the most right thing you've ever done in your whole life.
And in a white sea of eyes
I see one pair that I recognize
And I know
That I am
(I am)
(I am)
The luckiest
(I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you)
-"The Luckiest," Ben Folds
