...slender threads and things to treasure
"Dusk and Summer," Dashboard Confessional
The Mad Hatter: Have I gone mad?
[Alice checks his temperature]
Alice: I'm afraid so. You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are.
Well, thank God. Because honestly, I'm thisclose to being there. Actually, scratch that-- I might already be there. Perhaps I'm perpetually waiting at the Bonkers bus stop, wondering if I should climb aboard the next bus and figure out whether my current journey is cyclical (and I can look forward to a return to sanity!) or the next stopping point only travels further into the abyss of chaos and craziness; clutter and despair.
Okay. Time to back up. True to form, that last statement is overdramatic and excessive-- (sorry Mom-- try as I might, that tendency to exaggerate may just be permanently ingrained in my disposition). But in all seriousness, I'm exhausted. And just flat out overworking myself. I'm teaching a new class this year, and in the past four weeks I've spent just too many hours over-analyzing lesson plans and under-sleeping. Editing senior personal statements and helping my former juniors apply for scholarships, figure out college choices, and begin to answer the always-changing and ever-metaphorical question of "Who Am I?" While that might sound a little over-the-top, I honestly have a handful of kids who are on the aforementioned kick; questing to determine their place in the world and the role they're supposed to fill in society. Case in point:
Student: But aren't I supposed to find a college that caters to what I want?
Me: You mean in terms of a major? No, not necessarily...most people enter college unsure of what they want to do; what field they want to pursue.
Student: I heard you're supposed to KNOW before you go to college. That way you pick the right college. I mean, what if my college doesn't end up having what I want to major in?
Me: Well, I entered college as a Marine Biology and Ecology major. And now I teach high school English. Just like almost every college out there, my college offered both. Even if you have an idea of what you want to pursue now, there's a pretty good chance that might change.
Student: Oh my God! So how am I supposed to pick a college???
Me: That's where you need to research. Geographically, where do you want to go to school? How big of a student population are you looking for?
Student: Psychology.
Me: ...
My lunch periods and hour-long blocks of time after school are devoted to current and former students needing help, wanting advice, begging for guidance. Desiring a paper-editing session. Sitting in frustration because they failed a reading quiz and are now serving a detention. Holding back tears due to recent unwanted and ill-timed news. Brimming with pride because the scholarship came early. Visiting from college, beaming to tell me about the poems they're reading in English 101. Frantically asking about student loans, thesis statements, or punctuation placement. I'm on overload, and I need a place to transfer these jumbled emotions, however fleeting and haphazard, from the chasm of my brain onto a more tangible surface. In doing so, I can do my best to look in from an Outsider's Point of View. Truth be told, I have to let some of it go. I can't sit down with every single one of my students to go over an essay draft. I can't anticipate and plan for every single potential question which might arise from that assignment. I can't re-read every chapter. I think my biggest hurdle, then, is being okay with that. And I'm getting there.
What I need, perhaps, is a healthy dose of perspective. Because really, I think my biggest irritation thus far today has been that my iPhone camera doesn't have a zoom. And I got to spend the weekend with my dad; playing gin rummy, drinking
The day before my wedding, my aunt said to me: Just always remember that there are no dress rehearsals in real life. Second chances are extremely rare, and because of that you have to be willing to take every risk and hold nothing back, ever. Enjoy these moments. Live them.
Duly noted.
Don't underestimate the value of Doing Nothing,
of just going along,
listening to all the things you can't hear,
and not bothering.
~Pooh's Little Instruction Book, inspired by A.A. Milne
